I’ve been living on the streets, on and off since I was about 18. I used to go to the local Salvation Army shelter, and I’d stay there. I did that a lot in my 30s, but that’s just somewhere to stop. It’s not a home. I’ve got tuberculosis (TB), it’s dormant, but when I went to the doctors, they said I got it from being on the streets for years and years.
I first arrived at Emmaus Leeds in 2019, before Covid-19. I have a gambling addiction and before I went to Emmaus I was sleeping in a tent on the canal side. I used to go to a day centre called St Anne’s, and I’d go and get a shower and a packed lunch. They suggested that I try Emmaus for support. So that’s what I did, and I was there for a couple of years while I got back on my feet.
After a while, I wanted to leave Leeds because the temptation to gamble was still so strong. Emmaus helped me to get some support for my gambling, but, because it was lockdown, I couldn’t see a therapist face-to-face. Lockdown was good for me though, because there were no betting shops open. Even if I wanted to gamble, I couldn’t because there was nothing to gamble on, there were no games on or anything.
When the coronavirus lockdown lifted in 2021, I had saved quite a bit of money. Then I just got tired of fighting my addiction and I gambled and gambled because that’s what I was used to. In January 2022, I knew something needed to change and I moved down to Emmaus Norfolk & Waveney. I knew it was rural here and that there wouldn’t be any betting shops close by. Even then there’s been times when I’ve snuck away after work and walked the eight miles to the closest betting shop to make a bet and come back home to the community.
Being at Emmaus Norfolk & Waveney did help, because I was further away from temptation. By the end of 2022, I was saving again and not gambling as much, but then in early 2023 I had a disagreement with someone in the Emmaus community, and I was warned I might have to leave. I decided I was just going to go then, knowing I wanted to go back to gambling. I had made up my mind and Emmaus couldn’t stop me even though they knew it wasn’t the right decision. I was gone for three weeks, I was roughing it in Norwich city centre, on doorsteps, and under bridges. I was in the betting shop every day. I’ve been gambling all my life so initially I was okay; I was comforted by the gambling, but then the money started running out and it was really rough. The community kept in touch during that time, and I asked to come back to Emmaus, and they welcomed me home.
Overcoming Addiction
Once I was back at Emmaus, Jo, the Community Manager got in touch with a charity called Breakeven, which is a gambling organisation in Norwich, and I started having counselling sessions twice a week. My counsellor suggested that I go to rehab to get more support, so I did. I went to rehab for six months in Birmingham. I wasn’t nervous, it’s what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be a gambler anymore.
Gambling is an addiction. It’s a chemical in your brain just like drinking or smoking – you don’t want to do it, but you need to at the same time. It’s a buzz that we learn. I enjoyed rehab, it was good for me. Six months of no phone and no money meant I couldn’t gamble. I was in therapy five times a week and in counselling every day.
When I left rehab, I was able to get a council flat in Dudley, just outside Birmingham. It was all going really well, and I was independent. I’d go on long walks and just enjoy the peace. But then the bills started creeping up, and I was getting contacted by debt collectors constantly from past debts I’d racked up. After 13 months, I thought I had to get out because the pressure was too much for me, knowing I had all this debt to deal with from years before. It made me want to gamble again to try and make it go away.
So, I rang Jo again and I came back to Emmaus. I’m back here and I’m doing well with saving money again. I spend my money on looking after myself now, hygiene stuff, good food, and things to keep me fit.
I don’t think I would be here without Emmaus. If I was on my own, I wouldn’t have any money. When you gamble, you never win, even if you think you have – you haven’t. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past and I think I would’ve gone through with it. There’s nothing worse than just existing on the streets, scraping by. I knew that by coming back here, to Emmaus and giving it another go I would feel better, and I do.
Stepping Forward
Then the Walk of Kindness (The Walk of Kindness is a fundraising project Emmaus Norfolk & Waveney are undertaking this August) came about and I thought six weeks away, walking across the country, without even thinking about gambling, how’s good that? It’s a blessing, that’s how I see it. I’ve taken all my life: from food banks, charities, and night shelters, and I want to give something back. It’s giving me a purpose as well, for my state of mind. It is something positive to focus on. I’ll be getting up and walking, and that will be my only goal. It sounds wonderful and simple. Where we’ll be walking, we’re out in the sticks so there won’t be a betting shop in sight!
It’s going to be a good thing. The walking won’t bother me – I’ll enjoy it. I’ve been training, wearing a backpack with a weight in it and walking a lot after work. I think there’s going to be a lot of banter along the way and just good fun. There’s going to be highs and lows, but I know it will be good for my mental health.
I’m looking forward to telling random people I meet along the way my story. Not many people know about gambling addictions and how all-consuming they can be. It’s brilliant that we’re finishing the Walk of Kindness on World Homeless Day and World Mental Health Day, it’s just going to bring attention to all the ways people end up homeless.
The support here at the Emmaus community, is brilliant. Once you ask and put yourself forward to be helped – the support is there for you. You have to let people in. When I first came, I felt embarrassed – a sixty-year-old man asking for help, it didn’t feel right – but I’m so glad I did.
I’ve known I’ve had a gambling issue for about twenty years, and I have just never faced up to it, I never sought help. I was in denial, and I just did not know where to turn. I always say you go to a GP waiting room, and there’s a poster about drink and a poster about drugs, but never anything about gambling. It’s only been in the past few years since the government has tried to reform the Gambling Act with regulations about online and digital gambling, that it’s been at the front of people’s minds.
People know when their time is up when you’re gambling you’ve spent thousands and thousands but worst of all you’ve lost your family and friends. You feel like you’re an embarrassment, and sadly that’s when people die by suicide. That’s why it’s important to get the conversation going and speak about what you’re going through. There are ways out and ways to feel better. I’ve sat with regret for a long time but now I want to do something about it.
I can’t see myself leaving Emmaus for a while now. I want to get my head sorted and get on a level. For now, I’m not worrying too much about the past or the future, I’m just taking it one step at a time.
Support Jagger on The Walk of Kindness by sponsoring every mile he walks or take on your own walking challenge – find out more
