Companion Stories: Rachel
"I have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I was only diagnosed a couple of years ago, even though I know my feelings of anxiety started when I was about seven. My disorder took the form of continually checking things. It was connected to my feelings of self worth. I never felt that good about myself. I never felt comfortable in my skin. I didn't do very well at school and I got into trouble. I ended up getting into hard drugs and became addicted to heroin. I did nine months in prison for a drug related crime.
When you have been in an institution, It's hard to find your place back in the world. Everything seems scary. I was 27 when I came out of prison and I had nowhere to stay and no one to support me. I started a new relationship, but it went wrong and I found myself homeless. I slept under Brighton pier for a short time, but I realised very quickly that I couldn't handle sleeping rough.
What first attracted me to the idea of coming to Emmaus was the fact that everyone who lives in Emmaus Communities has to work. For many people, particularly people with addictions, having too much time on their hands can be a real danger. Emmaus ensures that as well as support, everyone is given the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I did various jobs at Emmaus Brighton. I worked in the Community café, the office and then in the shop. I liked working in the Community shop the most because I was meeting people all the time. I felt pleased that I was participating in helping the keep the Community going and it also felt good to be able to sell what we had in the shop very cheaply to people who wouldn't have been able to afford to buy new stuff for their houses. I also did a first aid course and studied Reiki at a nearby college.
Emmaus gave me some control back over my life and restored my confidence. My OCD symptoms became less severe. I felt as if I belonged somewhere. The Community provided quite a lot of healing therapies such as homeopathy and I also saw a counsellor. I was able to talk about how I felt about myself and question why it was that I behaved in the way that I did. I won't say that Emmaus waved a magic wand and made everything better, but it gave me the chance to begin to get better. It felt like a sanctuary.
It's about two years since I lived at Emmaus. Now I'm clean. I'm off the drugs. At the moment I am attending a three-day a week programme for women who were drug users. I am going to do some voluntary work with people with autism. People who have autism have problems interacting with other people, and I identify with those sorts of problems because of my OCD. I have my own flat and I feel as if everything is falling into place.
I have wasted a good number of years of my life through using drugs and now I don't want to waste any more time. I feel I have a real understanding now of women and their problems and their feelings about themselves and I think I will be able to use this experience in the future to help people that are going through the sorts of things that I have been through. Everyone has difficulties and issues and it just depends on how they deal with what happens to them and how much support they have to get them through the difficult times. If you are alone and isolated then all your problems become worse. You despair and lose all hope. My drug use led on from my despair. I would tell any person who was in the situation I was in, to come to an Emmaus Community because they will no longer feel so alone. There are always people to talk to and share things with.
I want to lead a decent life and give something back. These days I see that I have options. I will always be grateful to Emmaus because living and working there restored in me the feeling of possibility. I am working towards happiness now."
